A Fool
by Norikita
Summary: A short song - fic, Reiner centric. How this whole titan - shifter affair had affected his life. And most of all, himself.


**Author's note** : a Reiner - centric fanfiction on his confusion (he's a shifter, isn't he? Well this is what that confusion is about) based on the song 'I Was A Fool' by Tegan and Sara! uwu this is actually my first ever songfic! XD thanks a lot to James (again) for coming up some of the ideas and, was also the one who told me of the song uwu Rated T ;3; There's no pairing in this, but Reiner/Bertholdt if you must o3o Anyways, hope you guys like it! uwu

edit :: due to copyright issue, i had to remove the parts of the lyrics used in this song - fic! ;3; but you guys can still read the one with the song lyrics (since i don't use them all, just some of it) over here - post/59274654251/a-fool

* * *

He just wanted this to end. In anyway possible; except with no more suffering or pain. The feeling that you're being played, and toyed with like a puppet; or used like a tool was never good. Not to mention, accompanied by this guilty feeling.

Berik's death had always left a scar in his heart. A void that would never be filled with anything else. He didn't even get the chance to remember him; he had to focus on his task and that was it.

Reiner never really wanted to even finish this horrfying task, but he had to. He even wondered why he even accepted it.

But what it was long ago; he already accepted it and it was his current situation. He couldn't back down or quit on it now.

He just wanted to be true to everyone, and foremost, to _himself_. He always had to act, didn't he? Pretend like he was one of them. He couldn't lie for the fact that he did enjoy their affection. But he hated it. He hated it, in a way.

Because he knew he and Bertholdt would throw that affection and bond away soon.

Reiner didn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't want to blame anyone either, for what he needed to go through. But he needed to release all of this on someone, but to who?

There would be some nights where he went alone, without Bertholdt nor Annie. He would sit under a shady tree, and blamed God for all of this. He would yell and curse, his words filled with frustation and anger.

But after that he would pray. He knew there was no other way to back down, or defy this mission; unless there was someone who could rescue them. He would transform all of his hopes into words, and tie a string between his words to become a prayer.

All that he prayed for was for someone- _anyone_, to find them.

* * *

Still, no matter how Reiner really wanted to abandon the mission, he didn't. Sure, he was a warrior. At first, he was really determined with the task, and was sure that he could pull it off without a single mistake.

But maybe he was wrong.

He wasn't one of them. He was not someone like Eren, Jean, Connie, Armin, Mikasa, Sasha- He was _different_.

He didn't act like he was told. He _behaved _like how he was told to act.

When one of his 'team mates' was on the verge of death, he saved him. So why did he? Reiner knew he was not his _team_, and even risking his life and identity while doing so.

His conflicted feelings and thoughts on who he really is deep in his heart is confusing. Frustrating, even.

* * *

Was it because of their affection?

Their affection to one another, and to Reiner; it was something he really paid attention to. It had this... Different feeling, like something had calmed him deep inside his heart. It was quite odd at first, but then he got used to it. And he craved, longed, for more of this 'human affection'. He never got this kind of thing before; before he met the humans.

And it didn't took long for him to feel sympathy for them.

* * *

Bertholdt always tried to stay true to their goals. He did enjoyed the time he spent with the trainees as much as Reiner did, but he always had always told himself that he would finish this job; no matter how much it would hurt him or anyone else. Reiner told himself the same thing, that he was a warrior and he would finish this.

But Bertholdt knew his boundaries, while Reiner didn't. He went far across the line.

And since that day Bertholdt and Reiner's bond was never the same. It got more fragile and vulnerable by the day. Reiner told him his reasons, but Bertholdt still couldn't accept them. There would be some times where Bertholdt would confront Reiner on his conflicting thoughts and feelings, but the confrontation never end up well.

Reiner just hoped that this won't go on forever, and their bond would be back like it was.

* * *

He tried and tried and tried to convince himself. He lied to everyone about who he really was, and he lied to himself about who he really _wanted _to be.

He did wanted to become _human_.

Not only physically, but also _in heart_.

But that was certainly possible, since he had to finish the mission. And his 'human' form was only a cover up on who he really was. It couldn't be used other than that. Rather, it didn't have any purpose other than that. But he wanted to be _human _so bad, so badly that he wanted to let go of his task and just become one of them.

But Reiner didn't want Bertholdt to suffer if he couldn't complete the task.

Maybe it was better if Bertholdt could find someone else, someone unlike him. Someone who could stay true to their goals. Someone who couldn't change no matter what happened.

Someone who was not 'Reiner Braun'.


End file.
